I daily have vivid dreams. When they are the kind that I can't stop thinking about, I usually write about them...
We were at my grandparents' farm, in their beautiful, brick home that sat on a hill, overlooking a goregous field. All of us had gathered in the basement, and at first, I didn't understand what was going on. There were at least 50 people, and in the beginning, I didn't know who any of them were. A man, who emerged as the leader in the situation, told us we would have to wear gray gloves to protect ourselves, and I didn't understand what significance the gloves would have.
All of us looked around at each other. By that point, we all knew "they" were coming.
Suddenly, I heard something above me, and there was an opening in the ceiling. A ladder came down, and I saw my grandma and my great aunt...the first two people that I recognized so far. People were around them, trying to help them down to the basement. I felt a sense of panic, thinking that there was no way two elderly people could defend themselves for what was coming.
For whatever reason, a group of us went outside. It seemed completely irrational considering it put us at risk, and they had arrived.
That's right. The zombies.
One of them walked towards me, and I tried to push him away, thinking that the gloves would somehow help me. But I didn't feel strong enough, and as I kept pushing, he kept coming at me. I remember thinking he didn't look like I thought he would: he seemed normal except he was going after me...and after anyone who was out there with me.
Somehow I got away, and my next thought was to climb up on the roof of the house. I started to look around for a way to get up there, and in the distance I saw Josh, the only other person I recognized. At that point, I could not get his attention. He could not hear me, so I decided I had no time...I just had to get to the roof.
As it goes in dream land, I do not know how I got up to the roof, but I did. When I got up there, I saw two other people. They seemed confident that they were safe, so that made me feel safe. I just rested on the roof, waiting for it all to end. I saw people below me being hurt by the zombies, and while I felt safe, I felt horrible for those below me. A person came up beside me and put his arm around me. He had a distinct face, I cannot get it out of my mind (it's not someone I know in real life, which makes it even more perplexing), and he told me it would be ok...I shouldn't worry. For whatever reason, that made me not worry.
It was the end of December, and I remember standing in an aisle at Dollar General, looking for a Cover Girl compact, when my phone rang. The number indicated that it was a call from the hospital I had just interviewed at a day or two prior, so I answered with a little bit of nervousness, a little bit of eagerness, and a little bit of fear. The woman from HR explained that she was offering me the position, told me the pay rate, and told me what day to arrive for orientation. She asked if I would accept the position.
I said I'd have to call her back.
Though I knew this was a step that felt like it had to happen at the time, it still was hard. Though I knew that every thing else had lined up - like Caleb being enrolled in school and having found a sitter for Sarah and Gabriel - it still was hard.
But less than an hour later, I called her back and accepted the position.
From January through the end of September, I worked outside of the home. I saw sometimes hundreds of patients a day, sometimes people I knew. I met sweet co-workers and had a great supervisor.
But sometimes, things are just temporary.
Sometimes we find solutions or make choices that fit for the time being.
At some point late in the summer, I remember telling Josh that it felt like it was time for me to go back to my normal. I think he was apprehensive. Even though I wasn't making much, and a huge chunk of it went to daycare for two of our kids, I knew he felt like we had more wiggle room in our budget with me working. And we did. Yet...I just knew it was time. Going back to work was what had to happen when I did it. It served its purpose in our lives.
Sometimes we make choices. Sometimes it's a temporary solution for a greater good. And when we wake up one day and realize it's time to move to another choice, it's best to do that, too.