Outcomes

On Sunday, as I traveled to and from St. Louis with my mom for the baseball game, I had some much needed conversation. You know...the kind you don't really have with anyone else. Sometimes there are things you don't even vent to your best friend about. Sometimes there are things that weigh on a heart that only a mom can understand.

It wasn't until we were on our way home, maybe 25 minutes left until we would arrive at our destination, that I just sort of spilled about a regret I had and the guilt that had accumulated over the course of about seven years - that is definitely not traveling light! It's not something I think of all the time, but if it does cross my mind, it's something that I have always let get to me.

She said, "So you feel responsible for that outcome?"

"Yes," I replied in a soft voice. I felt tears begin to blur my vision.

We discussed how God used different circumstances to lead the situation to where it ended up, and my mom eventually said, "You know, Chrissy...God is bigger than you," in a sincere tone.

She didn't mean it harshly. She didn't mean that I somehow thought I was bigger than He was. She just needed to make a point. "There isn't anything you could do that would alter His plan. He is God. He uses what He needs to use for the outcome that is supposed to be."

I realize (as it says in Isaiah 55:8) that His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are His ways my ways. So when I think that something didn't turn out right, I'm assuming that I somehow know better than God does. And that's a pretty haughty attitude for me to have. Still, there are times when a certain outcome (even outcomes besides the one my mom and I discussed) that I just can't comprehend. Especially if I feel like I some how messed up and altered that outcome.

Ultimately, as Christians, we know that God is in control. I have to know that He works it all out in His timing and in His way.

I confess: It is so very hard sometimes.